I have to admit something, I’m writing this as much to admit the truth to myself as to whoever may read it.
I am my own harshest critic. I hold myself to ridiculously high standards and ambition that I, mostly, have no hope of achieving within a time frame that I am happy with. I’m very sensitive and have a lot of trouble expressing exactly what I mean. I’m not dishonest, but I may not be telling the whole story. Most of the time it is simply due to being unable to find the right words.
I expect to be perfect in everything I do and mentally beat myself up when I make even the smallest mistakes. I’m intelligent enough to know that I should not be doing this and that mistakes are simply part of learning and progressing, but I cannot reconcile what I know on an intellectual level with what I feel on an emotional level.
I’m highly emotionally sensitive, which has its advantages, for example I’m very empathetic. I can pick up what others are feeling. But it affects me too and so I have to be able to shut it out when necessary. I can’t always do that.
I’m totally out of touch of world affairs. Mostly because I simply cannot face going through my life being angry and upset at the world every single day. I know a lot of shit goes down that would make me feel that way.
I don’t want to live like a hermit but I struggle to find my place in a world that I feel like I don’t always belong in.
I’m excellent at coming up with ideas, terrible at executing them. Not because I’m stupid, incompetent or lazy. Mostly because I can’t get started and pursue something to its conclusion. I’m so easily distracted that I forget what I am supposed to be doing and do something entirely unrelated instead.
I hate having to much structure in my life, but I require a certain amount in order that I actually accomplish anything at all. It’s hard to strike that balance that allows me to function properly, keep moving forward and be creative.
I know that I can’t achieve everything I want to on my own but am reluctant to ask for help until I desperately need it. I can admit I’m wrong and make mistakes but I don’t always learn from them.
I sometimes wish I was more, “normal”, that I could fit in. But I realise that I would then relinquish something that does set me apart. It makes me different, not in some new age and everyone is unique bollocks, just unusual. I almost wish I knew what it actually is, but the mystery is a more romantic image.
I fluctuate between confidence to the point of arrogance and too self conscious to leave my room. I don’t let people see the latter side most of the time. I’m up more than I’m down but when I’m down I forget the good times and only remember my failings. When I’m on my game I’m virtually unstoppable, when I’m shooting air I’m just about successful at getting out of bed and not fucking up so badly I get fired from whatever job I have that’s paying the bills right now.
This is who I am. It’s not perfect and I do strive to be better, but more than anyone else, I am all too aware of my own failings. Contrary to what I feel, I think it is a lot easier for other people to accept me as I am than it is for me to.